I am never sick.
Not since babyhood
Born a runt of a boy, sickly sweet
I kill mosquitoes and put them in a diary.
I stop malaria in its tracks with Fansidar.
I don’t eat s–t, so say no to typhoid
I have never smoked.
Well, tried it and hated it.
I have never taken hard drugs.
I mean cocaine and heroin, not Paracetamol tablets
But, I am scared, nonetheless.
Scared, not of death, but ill health.
Don’t really drink…one glass of cheap wine and I would fall asleep.
I don’t even remember what year I gave up sex –
Far too dangerous these days, anyway.
Sex is not like fishing;
With fishing, you hope to have a catch.
With sex, you hope you haven’t caught anything useful!
Like Chlamydia, this will need two different antibiotics for weeks
Anyway, let us return to the issue of death.
Death is easy;
You sleep and wake up in heaven –
Or hell, if you are with Boko Haram.
Then, you would wish you were never born
Because you’d find that all the 75 virgins are men
Waiting for your sorry ass!
Only time I ever went to see a doctor was for dentistry
Just to keep my teeth in perfect alignment,
And my tongue safe from sharp objects.
Fresh for the next sweet kiss from the wife,
Yet, she is the source of my problems.
She said I must not be an ass kisser
Otherwise, I would have been in Jonathan’s cabinet
Or hobnobbing with politicians!
Some of them are so far up the ass they cannot see daylight;
By the time you know it’s not constipation,
It’s often too late: cancer!
Seeing blood in your stool could be bad news;
Seeing blood in your urine or cough too.
Blood when menstruating is okay too,
But not at any other time!
Back to politicians for a minute.
I used to hate them,
But not anymore.
For, truly, you have to know them to understand them.
They have no insight, no self respect or integrity.
They crave attention and seek recognition.
See no further than their noses, if the belly is not in the way!
I hear they cannot plan for tomorrow,
Certainly, I make sure they pay me today
For services to be rendered.
The fact is that they are like diapers
Even smell the same!
And I thank God I am not their proctologist –
Or maybe they should thank their stars!
Anyway, you cannot rely on them
You are truly on your own
And should look after your health.
Protect yourself from strokes, heart attacks and sudden death;
Especially if you are a doctor or even a bloody liar –
I mean lawyer!
These two groups are dropping like flies
Those in their forties and fifties
Oh my God!
Why is life so hard in Nigeria?
Even though we are so blessed!
So, take your blessings out of the church
And spend less time praying
Go to the Old Parade ground
Right in front of Radio House in Abuja
Join hundreds of others who are doing self help
No. Not masturbation!
Physical fitness, aerobics and dance exercise
They have trainers such as Mr. Onoja (Snr) and his two sons.
Or allow Emmanuel, Patrick, Isaac and Chisom Blessing and others
To minister your aching muscles
Stimulate your nerve endings
And get life flowing in your veins.
Instead of debris from junk food, alcohol and cigarette smoke
Because you only have one life.
If you want to live long,
Then this is the road you must take.
For no one gives a damn about you –
Not in Nigeria where there are no roads.
You need to clear your own path
So, we need change, they cried
But, you need to change first.
Change comes from within
And one person at a time
Then, a body of doctors.
Which is why I am imploring all doctors to save a life.
Sit down, fasten your seat belt
And then put on your oxygen mask, first.
Before you help anyone else, you need to be healthy
Then, go into the community and lead by example
All hospitals must encourage staff to keep fit and exercise
Then, encourage your patients to do same
Fact is, fat people have a rough ride in hospitals
They also have a higher risk of morbidity and mortality
They are difficult to get into or out of bed
To roll them in bed requires the help of Julius Berger
Blood pressure usually high
Kidney usually on the way out
Legs like yam tubers
A nightmare for anaesthetists!
A sickening sight for nurses in the morning
‘Who will clean the whale,’ they wail.
What is your weight today?
What is your blood pressure?
What is your PSA?
When was your last mammogram or cervical smear?
Should you care, do you care?
Does your doctor care?
Or even your pastor or local chemist?
Look, may your road be rough
But, surely, not this rough
Not so rough you forget what is important –